Hello READERS! Before we start this is a tribute to 30patricks so let me give you the link to his blog http://30patricks.edublogs.org.

Now if you read his blog, then you know his thing is rants. Now I write an article in a student-owned fake-newspaper at my school called Tinted Lens (I might write about that later) under the alias Enroh Yaja (don’t ask) and recently I wrote about Christmas for our Christmas special. It was basically a rant on Santa (a ranta) so I revised it and put it in here.

A Ranta

Santa Claus. The myth goes that he was an old Turkish man who put ORANGES in peoples’ SOCKS! Like what the heck? Ok that’s creepy, and who wants to eat their foot fungus? Then he meets some elves in the forest and “saves” them from other humans. Ok that sounds kinda sus…

I mean who’s to say he didn’t enslave them? And now they do Some pretty sus stuff for him, but we’ll get to that later. Now that we’ve gone over his history, let’s go over what he does today. Okay so apparently his elves work 364 days a year, and get to rest for one day. And the movies always leave out one thing. If I were working 364 days a year with only one payed vacation, I would quit (if I could) but that’s the thing; are they paid? I’ve never heard anyone talk about their pay. Maybe he gives them some cookies? I don’t even know. And what would he pay them? They’re stuck in the arctic circle, how could they use money. I hope he feeds them at least. Now while they’re working, what is he doing? Does he work too? I don’t know. I feel like if you want to make a convincing argument that someone this fantastical exists, you can’t leave gaping holes in the lore! Now let’s get to the creepier side of Santa. Where should I start? There is the popular point, isn’t he breaking and entering, how does no one know where he lives, or maybe something about the millions of mall santas. While those are all good points, I’ll get to them later. I want to talk about the elves. So, does anyone have an elf on the shelf? I do. And I know a lot of my friends do. And they all look like perfect angels. They all look like 10 year olds with their perfectly smooth faces, dimples, and good haircuts. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME! And the elves can’t all be that perfect. So where are the others. Santa might not be the jolly old man we all know. He is probably ashamed of the non-homogeneous side of the spectrum, and makes them the ones that stay back and work. Here’s another problem with the elves. How do they get into your house? Magic or Mischief? Were they thieves before they were elves? How do they know how to get into the houses. All I’m saying is, when December rolls around, check your locks. Alright let’s talk about Santa. I’m guessing you’ve been waiting for my perspective on “how does he get into your chimney.” Ok I’ll acknowledge the elephant in the room. He’s fat. Like gigantic. I’m not going to deny it. I know a lot of you have probably been waiting for me to address the question of, how does he fit down the chimney? My thoughts exactly.  But take a step back, and what about him flying through the sky? He’s bound to have run into a few planes flying at those high speeds. And then he just parks on your roof and slides his big belly down your chimney. Now me personally, my family has a screen over our fireplace, and it’s always perfectly intact Christmas morning. And a lot of people don’t have chimneys! Me included! So what kind of “magic” is this “Santa” using? Lockpicks? Does he break your windows? I don’t know but this santa guy sounds like a fraud. Now what about the reindeer? Where did he acquire flying reindeer? Because I’ve never seen or heard of them in the wild. So did he domesticate them and then kill all of them except nine? Or does he just keep all the others in his basement. And what about when Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen die? Does he just name some other reindeer Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen? Now how about Mrs. Claus? It’s 2023 people! She doesn’t get so much as a cookie! And you expect me to believe that santa just eats millions of cookies in one night? Because I see crumbs on the plate. So he must have eaten the cookie instead of saving it for later.

Whoever this Santa guy is, I have a problem with you.

So thank’s for reading, and remember, I haven’t even talked about the other “magical” figures out there, so stay tuned for more, and remember to have a great holiday season no matter what holiday you are celebrating.

Happy Holidays!